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How to Become a Lion Tamer in Five Weeks

There is a huge range of really stupid jobs out there. Think about it. No, really think about it. How stupid a job is being an accountant? Like if you were to ask some kids at school what they really really wanted to do with their lives, do you think there would be a single one who would turn around to you and be all like ‘I want to play with numbers and make them work for people’s businesses for the rest of my life!’ No, you’d get some kids who dig maths, and that’s totally cool too – like, the world really needs calculus whizz kids and more Steven Hawkinses would be pretty ace too… But the vast majority of the kids that you polled would probably turn around and say something like they wanted to be SCUBA divers, or firemen or lion tamers. Now that is a pretty damn sweet job suggestion, right? Except for the fireman suggestion. Someone really needs to tell kids that all firemen really do is attend accidents first and cut people out of cars with the jaws of life. It’s really not a glamorous and awesome job. High burnout rate as well, which is kinda sad. Anyway! Let’s cover the topic of interest today which is how to become a lion tamer in just five weeks!

liontamer0Image Credit: redorbit

Step One: Get a lion

You may have to commit some kind of larceny here to get a hold of your special little big cat friend, but please remember that it’s a vital component of your training, If you simply cannot get yourself a lion by any means, then consider using a very large cat. The more vicious the cat the better, but if all you can get is a garden variety tabby then so be it.

Step Two: Get yourself some breeches

Yes, you read that correctly. You need to be rocking some serious pantaloons if you’re even going to CONSIDER updating your LinkedIn with lion tamer in the next five weeks. They should be a colour of scarlet, and preferably they should be adorned with gold buttons and all that sort of thing. Some trimming and tassels wouldn’t go astray either. The gaudier the better. If you could picture Freddie Mercury wearing them then you’re on the right track! No breeches? Try PJs!

Step Three: Get a whip!

A real cool one! The best part of being a lion tamer is not wearing awesome pants and hanging out with big cats all day (though actually, it might both or all of those/these things). No, you get to play with whips too! Please note – you are NOT and NEVER to whip the dear, darling lion that you have acquired, as it’s horribly cruel and unnecessary. If you are one of the peeps who only has a cat to play with, then consider using something like a piece of string tied onto a stick in place of an actual whip.

LiontamerImage Credit: wikia

Step Four: Practice your ‘lion tamer’ voice

A booming quasi falsetto is going to be your modus operandi here. Make sure you alternate between dizzying highs and swooping lows, and keep the audience on the tips of their toes with your dulcet tones. You want them, as you do the lion, to be eating out of your hand in a matter of seconds. The delivery is everything.

Step Five: Put it all together and hire out a ring to perform in

If you don’t have a ring nearby that you can hire, I recommend going into the lounge room and using your second best set of sheets as mood-setting decorations. Grab your lion (cat), pantaloons (pyjamas), whip (string toy) and get your best friends ready: It’s Showtime!! Make sure you’re circus show ready and have been practicing ultimate nutrition by eating only candy corn for the weeks leading up to your performance.


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